Fugitive from Gilead

I'm in over my head.

2007-01-24T23:03:00.000-08:00

I was in over my head from the very beginning.

And I can't do this any longer.

I overdrew my bank account. I ran myself ragged. I tried to take everything onto myself because I felt guilty about asking the Janes for money and asking them to break the law.

Emergency Kindness was a plan badly structured, poorly implemented, and cost far too much to run.

I'm giving it up. I'm broke, I messed up my credit rating, I'm facing a huge car repair bill, I have to move out of my parents' house in five months...right now I need to take care of myself. I've driven myself stir crazy trying to take care of all these other people and I can't do it anymore.

I've spent too many nights on the phone with Leon, sitting on a cold park bench somewhere in the dark and crying because I can't handle this and I'm finding it impossible to get help. I've spent too much time dabbling in horrible things like work at escort services trying to pay for all this EC. I can't even walk into Wal-mart anymore because the pharmacists know me on sight. I've spent too much time screaming, stressing. I've worried Mal half to death and he doesn't even know a fraction of what I did or how much money I've poured into this. If he did know he'd hit the roof.

I'm so exhausted. I've been exhausted for four months now. I want to wrap myself up in my coat and sleep for a thousand years. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I started this.

It's like a long nightmare.

And I need to wake up.

So this is it; this is goodbye, y'all. I'm going to stop EK and cut back my classes and try to work full-time in the hopes that I will have a little money scraped together by the time my parents kick me out. Best of luck to all of you. Take care of yourselves and keep fighting.

You're stronger than I'll probably ever be.

Nowhere Again

2007-01-16T06:16:00.000-08:00

So the alarm rings at half-past five.

And you groan 'cause you're half awake already and mutter, "It can't be morning already" and roll out of bed with a smile and hit the ground running.

And as you make your coffee you mentally add the three hours' time difference, know that soon she'll be checking her email and getting your job application, and just pray for a favorable reception.

Today is the day that something has to change.

You gotta keep believing that because the alternative is unthinkable.

Please donate.

2006-12-28T11:07:00.000-08:00

Donations will fund Emergency Kindness.

So I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately.

2006-12-27T22:54:00.000-08:00

I've been very busy, very scared, and a little bit depressed.

First off, Emergency Kindness is proving itself to be too much for one person to handle. Because I'm trying to figure out a partnership with the NNAF, I only call on Janes if there's absolutely no way I can help the client myself, and I've stopped screening applicants because I just don't have time. Because Walmart now sells Plan B over the counter there isn't so much need for access. Most women who come to me are doing it because they can't afford EC. I try to wire money to as many of them as I can, but it's just not working out. My checking account has four dollars left in it. I've poured all my savings into it- the measly two thousand dollars I scraped up to try to start moving out, it's gone because of this.

I cannot afford to run this project. I only make $7.50 an hour, and I only work about 28 hours a week because I'm trying to balance school in. And my parents have told me that I need to move out by June.

I don't know where I'll get the money to do this. I absolutely can't stop Emergency Kindness, there are so many people who need my help. But I don't know what's going to happen to me, either. I can't afford to keep running this project.

News and stuff.

2006-10-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

Right, so I talked to someone from WV FREE, who put me in touch with a worker at the National Network of Abortion Funds. I'm set to have a phone conference with the NNAF on Monday afternoon to talk about properly legitimizing EK as an official nonprofit and maybe even becoming one of the organizations under the NNAF umbrella. I'm really excited about it but nervous as hell at the same time. I know nothing about business negotiation.

Since I have no office I asked my old drama director if I could maybe borrow his for the meeting. Still waiting to hear back on that.

This is old news but I only found out yesterday- EK has been featured on Broadsheet! I never thought we'd get this much exposure.

...and yes, when I found out we had made it on Broadsheet, I got up and gave it a chorus of "Yatta!" complete with the dancing. Cut me a break. I'm still a kid, after all.

Okay, so legally I've been (mostly- I won't really feel like I've made it until I hit 21) an adult for a day. It doesn't really feel different, though.

Now that I'm 18 I can finish making out my living will and have that lawyered up. It turns out that I can't have my best friend (let's call him "Mal," for purposes of this journal- he did cosplay Mal once...) take power of attorney for health care if I'm incapacitated, since he's not 18 yet. (Mal's a year younger than I am, we've been closer than I ever thought possible for the past four years, I trust him more than anyone else.) The people closest to me after Mal are the ones I'll call "Felicity" and "Leon." Leon won't be 18 till May, but Felicity will be 18 next week. I'll probably give power of attorney for health care to her. I trust her nearly as much as Mal. One thing's for sure, I do not want to give it to my parents. They'd totally ignore my wishes and keep me on life support for years no matter how much of a vegetable any accident renders me.

Meh, I'm done rambling.

I'm probably not going to call too many more Janes until after I've spoken with the NNAF, I'm just going to return calls to the ones who contacted me. It'll have to wait until tomorrow morning, though, since I'm kind of stuck in a place where I can't make calls for a while.

Honestly I never thought it'd be this draining. There's so much to do and organize and research. So many letters to write and phone calls to make. I'm not the most social or outgoing person, so I feel incredibly awkward making all these calls to older people, strangers every one of them, to interview them and such. And I think nobody expected me to be this young. I know I kind of surprised the lady from WV FREE- she asked if I had an office or anything, and I kind of laughed and told her I'd been doing everything from my cell phone from a bench in front of the campus library.

Deep down I know that I am vastly underqualified for what I am trying to do here. But at the same time I know it's got to be done. I guess I've just got to learn as I go. I'm "San Cai," after all. I can flourish anywhere.

I never explained my name, did I? Might as well do it now. San Cai is the name of the heroine of Liu Xing Hua Yuan (Meteor Garden), this plucky poor girl who attends a university full of rich snobs. (After I had been in my school a week or so I felt like I had stepped right into Ying De University!) Her name is written as 杉菜, and there are several ways to romanize it- I chose the easiest. If I spelled it phonetically I think it would look like "sahn chai." It translates as "field horsetail." They refer to that a lot in the show- it's called her "weed power." Horsetail is a nuisance weed because no matter how many times it's uprooted, it regrows very quickly and robustly. It's something that thrives wherever you plant it. Back when I hung out with my Chinese friends a lot (before they returned to S'pore), it was one of my nicknames- we all loved the show, had a thousand running jokes about it. I was always their "dry flat sour Cai, the hardworking virgin, the reincarnation of a washing board."

Hao lah, I'm going to sign off. I have a lot of other projects I've been neglecting because of EK. Might as well take the chance to catch up.

Can I collapse yet?

2006-10-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

I really am in way over my head on this one.

I have 225 applications to work through. I've posted a notice on the form page asking for a cessation of apps, but they keep coming anyway.

Planned Parenthood in Chicago has told their workers not to distribute EC to anyone who identifies themselves as calling from EK until they know what we're about. I've called them and they'll have an administrator call me back. If I don't fuck it up maybe I can get them to support us.

I also got in touch with someone from WV FREE who contacted me; she's going to put me in contact with some people who can help me figure out the shades of gray surrounding our legality. (I think we're around 80% legal, it's just that 20% I want someone to help me clarify.)

I've got our Paypal running on the site. I'm also probably going to add a button here for a separate fund- the Keep San Cai Blogging fund, which will help me make rent to move out and pursue more active activism. (Wow, that sounds redundant. But I'm sure you know what I mean.) So when you donate, please specify which fund you're contributing to; unmarked donations will be credited to the Emergency Kindness fund.

Also, does anyone know how this AdSense thing works? I'm trying to figure it out and all the forms about taxes are making my eyes spin. If anyone has one running, can they explain it to me a bit, please?

Rant alert.

2006-10-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, not a rant so much as a ramble.

This afternoon around 2 PM my time I'll be able to pop onto a wired lan, so I can set up the Paypal (my account there still works, I just need to switch the email address on it). I'm also going to put AdSense on this blog.

I really didn't want to have advertising on here, but I'm going to need to do it, even if it only brings in a little money. Emergency Kindness is putting me into a really unstable position. This morning I had to buy a phone card to continue interviewing Janes. I got four hundred minutes, which cost me eighty dollars.

This has cut into my "buffer"--I always try to have at least a hundred dollars in my account.

Now I have thirty dollars.

This really scares me. I haven't been this close to flat broke since I started working sophomore year. It makes me kind of wish Wolfy and I hadn't broken up, because then I could still be working for his brother-in-law. But that was a personal assistant job, and as sweet as Hidenori is, I draw the line at addressing and licking envelopes that contain my ex-boyfriend's wedding invitations. There are just some sacrifices of dignity that I won't take--I mean, come on, this was two months after I left him!

Anyway, since I'm saving to move out of my (extremely conservative) parents' house, all the money I've been spending lately to get this project off the ground scares me. I mean, I know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm totally terrified, especially since I haven't had a callback on any of my job applications yet. I need to make my way out of this house as soon as possible because I'm forbidden to participate in political activism here. My parents highly discourage the exercise of my social conscience, so if I don't get out soon it'll be too late for me to help make a lot of the changes that this country needs.

So...yeah. Going to get the Paypal running so that I can reimburse the Janes and pay the hosting costs of EK, and going to get AdSense to try to bring in what little money I can.

I still have about an hour and half before my next class, so I'm going to do some phone work on those Jane applications now.

Merciful god...

2006-10-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

I never expected this huge a response. I thought I'd be making do with about a dozen Janes at best.

I have approved thirteen Janes so far (I don't have much time to phone, and I need to buy a new phone card so I can keep doing interviews), and I have about a hundred and thirty applications in my inbox.

I might need to start farming out calls to the Janes I have so far. Maybe I can give each of them a few calls in their local area? Feedback, Janes and Joes?

And it starts.

2006-10-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

The next few days will be absolutely insane between the interviewing and the rushing and the researching. I'm going to mock up some fliers and see if I can't spread notice at school. I'm also going to try and find a law professor or someone who I can consult with on this scheme.

We also had our first help call- I rushed two Janes through screening so that we could answer her. The EC will be rush-shipped tomorrow, as all three parties are back east and so their post offices have closed already.

Part of me is shouting with elation, "Yes! I'm finally doing something worthwhile!"

The other part is holding her head in her hands and muttering, "Oh Quan Yin, don't let me fuck this up."

Ren ci de shen di....

2006-10-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am in shock.

I have had forty-three applications so far.

This is already more people than I ever expected. I seriously thought I'd only ever have about ten applicants.

I am going to have to go buy another phone card to interview all these people.

Many thanks to everyone who's applied. It makes me feel very good to know I'm reaching people.

It's up!

2006-10-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'll be interviewing Janes as they apply. It might take me a day or so to get to your application, but I will contact everyone who applies.

Bravo, Keith!

2006-10-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

Please check this out- a wonderful piece from last night's Olbermann.

In other news, EK is slowly coming together. Aplus.net's file system is deathly slow so I can't upload the graphics...

EK Status Update

2006-10-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

I intend to interview the first few Janes this weekend.

However, it might take a while to get the site up and running.

I registered with aplus.net...and I just found out why my plan was so cheap.

I can use no tools beyond the usage meter. As my current service plan stands, I cannot create files, use the file manager, or do anything at all of real use.

So I will have to add these to my service plan, incurring additional charges. This means that I will have to find a lan somewhere to log on and do so, as I never do financial transactions over a wireless.

I have the distinct and scary feeling that I am about to be ripped off.

Update

2006-10-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hi all! Just posting to say that I have just acquired www.emergencykindness.net. It'll take about 24 hours for my webhosting to register it before I can start work. I am now accepting applications for Janes. Please submit to me at fugitivefromgilead@yahoo.com the following information:

Name:
Age:
Gender:
Location (I need your town at least, full mailing address is preferred):
Phone Number (Home or cell is fine as long as I can reach you for a quick telephone interview- no offense, I just want to make sure I'm not accidentally signing on an anti-choicer who's gone undercover!):
email:
AIM if you have it:

Please start submitting. Hopefully we can be up by the end of the week!

Emergency Kindness update.

2006-10-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

Hi all, just a quick post to let you know I did some research and it IS legal to send Plan B through the mail- you can send contraceptives if they have been solicited by the recipient. And since we are not charging for EC, we are not reselling the drug- again, not illegal. I will hopefully be able to begin setting things up tomorrow.

The Jane Manifesto

2006-10-08T17:16:00.000-07:00

The Jane Manifesto

I will provide emergency contraception to any woman who requests it, no questions asked, in complete privacy, free of cost.

I will never expose the names or locations of the women to whom I provide EC.
I will never judge the women to whom I provide EC based on race, religion, political views, orientation, economic bracket, relationship status, or any other criteria.
I will never ask reimbursement for my work.
I will respect and protect both my fellow Janes and our clients.
I will be proud of my work as a Jane, and never allow anyone to shame me for it.

Emergency Kindness

2006-10-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

Biting Beaver of Den of the Biting Beaver has unfortunately had her EC fail after a hellishly long runaround to get it. Her email address is linked to a paypal account and I encourage you all to throw a few dollars in the pot to help her pay for her abortion.

This brings me to the point of today's post.

We need a modern underground railroad, an updated version of the Jane network, in order to help women get access to EC as is their legal right. I already talked about this in a thread on Pandagon, but let me repost and elaborate here.

Let's call our setup Emergency Kindness. We need a central website with several providers (let's call them "Janes", as a tip of the hat to our forerunners) spread out over the country. Each Jane will be responsible for Plan B distribution in a specific geographic region. At least two Janes will work each region so that if one package of EC is delayed or lost there will still be another one that can hopefully reach the person needing EC before her 72-hour window of time has closed. And we need to assemble enough Janes that someone will be within driving distance of the EC recipient in case the fact that the mail doesn't run on Sundays and federal holidays becomes a problem. Even if a Jane can't make a home delivery for whatever reason, we should at least be able to set up a meeting at a point between the recipient and the Jane's respective locations.

Now, I definitely can't do this alone. I have no head for business, and this has to be run like a highly efficient and organized business. I need someone to help me run a website, make our maps, assign and code regions, and organize and mobilize our Janes. Any takers? Let's get going on this. It's a difficult job, but we've got to work together to make sure every woman who needs EC can have access to it.

Standing up.

2006-10-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

You know, there are times when you have to stand up. Times when you have to say, "This is what I believe in" and put your money where your mouth is.

I won't go into detail, but I was confronted with one of those times tonight. And I'm happy to say that opportunity and means coincided so that I was able to act on my beliefs to help someone. I couldn't do nearly as much as I wanted but I was able to contribute. It means a lot to me to be able to help others.

Whoever's out there...tell me your story. Please. I want to know you. I want to help you. I want to be able to link hands with you, to stand up and say, "This is what we stand for and you can't take our rights away." I want to be able to fight for the things I believe in- women's rights, reproductive rights, civil rights and civil liberties. I want to connect with the rest of you so that we can become a force for positive change...together.

Come. Tell me your story.

Dao San Cai wants to hear it.

A quick rundown of various issues

2006-10-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the silence; life has been busy and I've been bogged down by work. Here's a bit of interesting stuff going on, and my thoughts on it all.

Ms. magazine is running a list of women who have had abortions. I am so proud of these women for coming forward to tell their stories. Abortion is not something that should be stigmatized. The issue with this article hits newsstands next week. I'm buying a copy and I hope you will too.

John Paul Gaultier used a size 20 model in his fashion show. Here's a picture (nabbed from Feministing):

Let me just say that I think she's beautiful. John Paul is one of my favorite designers because of how he breaks boundaries and this is a perfect example. The model is wonderful- her attitude shouts, "I am fuckin' gorgeous and I know it!"

I'm also referencing this video from The Dildo Diaries that has appeared at Feministing and Pandagon. For those of you who didn't already know, it is illegal to have a dildo in Texas- and if you have six, you're a felon. (Personal massagers and educational models, however, are A-OK!) The store featured in the vid is Forbidden Fruit, which I will definitely be visiting on my next roadtrip. Molly Ivins is interviewed and may I say that she is one of the coolest women I've ever seen in a Youtube.

And in the realm of politics and women's rights, here's a link to a great post at Pandagon putting things in perspective. America may be floating, but it's not flushed like it could be.

I also urge everyone to visit this link from Eteraz and email the Ayatollah. Seven Iranian women have been sentenced to be stoned to death; we are campaigning to prevent this. Iranian officials have been previously influenced by petitions and we hope to help these women escape their unjust sentences.

Echidne also has a great post on the recent rash of school violence- and how no one seems to talk about how it's directed at women. While it's on topic, I'd also like to say how impressed I am by the Amish community's reaction to the Nickel Mines shooting. They have set up two charity funds: one for the families of the Nickel Mines children, and one to provide for the children of the gunman. I think that the rest of the world could stand to learn quite a bit from the Amish.

A new blog was started by olvlzl called A Woman Was Lynched Today, dedicated to exposing violence against women and making the victims more than just statistics. I encourage everyone to check it out.

Anyway, I will be having some posts on economics, feminism, and politics up in the next few days, so please check back.

There could be a revolution of the masses, but the newspapers would remain silent.

2006-09-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

One of the really depressing things about the torture bill (besides, you know, the loss of basic human rights) is how little media attention it's getting.

Yahoo! News hasn't given it so much as a blurb. ABC News didn't even spend a full two minutes on it, and they didn't even mention the torture aspect of things. The most attention it was given was, "Oh, and prisoners can't challenge their detainment." The entire segment was spun to look like American citizens couldn't be affected by this, when in reality we are in danger. And except for a bit on the Daou Report, even Salon (whom I generally rely on to keep right on top of things) has been quiet.

Honestly, the only places I'm seeing any attention paid to this matter is on the blogs I read. I have to thank Pandagon, PunkAssBlog.com, and Creek Running North for their vigilance. I can only hope that the government doesn't "disappear" them, because then it'll be down to the little bloggers like me, and that's a scary thought indeed.

Let's have a rousing round of applause...

2006-09-30T14:56:00.000-07:00

...because someone out there is taking action.

Many thanks to Marc Faletti of PunkAssBlog.com for taking a stand. Marc is starting up a group called Liberal Democrats to try and return the party to liberalism. His ideas on platforms so far are:

-environmental responsibility via sustainable American energy
-health care reform for every citizen in America
-accountable, transparent governance

I agree with Marc that these are topics that will speak to the majority of people in America. If we can band together on this issue then we can definitely make our voice heard. He hasn't got everything set up yet, but I think that once it's up and running this will become a very important movement.

I've only been reading the activist blog scene for a few weeks, and this is only my second day of involvement, but I have to say that I'm thrilled by what I see here. Having grown up in a rabidly conservative community where exercising one's social conscience is discouraged, I'm impressed by the way people on activist blogs speak out and stand up for change. It makes me feel so relieved to see that there are people willing to try to make a difference.

I don't know if I can accomplish anything here. But by joining these people, aiding these dedicated, idealistic people who believe in morals and equality, I hope that I can make a difference.

2006-09-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

A show of courage

2006-09-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

I'd like to point everyone over to this post by Amygdala and this one by Chris Clarke. Cascadian has put up a very eloquent call to action as well.

I am proud to join these brave folks in declaring myself an unlawful enemy combatant as well. I will oppose the loss of our civil rights until they are restored to us.

Looking at that, I sound terribly optimistic and idealistic. I know that I can't do anything alone, and that this one act of mine is worthless by itself except as an assertion of my own beliefs, but if enough of us act it will be worth something.

UPDATE (6:07 PM): Great post by Echidne that shows us just how bad things are.

Introduction

2006-09-29T16:52:00.001-07:00

I am unreasonably proud of myself for taking this first step. I finally decided to seriously blog because of my concerns over the way America seems to be usurping its citizens' rights. There aren't enough voices out there, and at this rate any of us could disappear if the Pentagon decides we are "unlawful enemy combatants." I know that makes me sound like I should be wearing a foil cap, but I feel that we really need to stand up and speak out against these human rights violations before we're carted away. When a country that bills itself as the most advanced in the world approves of torture and strips detainees of habeas corpus rights, something is very wrong.

We need to pay attention. We need to get angry and speak out. If one of us disappears, we need to chase after him or her, ensure their safety, fight for them. Only through solidarity can we protect each other.

I'm not the most eloquent writer and I will admit right now that I can't always articulate my views as well as I'd like to. But please, stay with me. It might be naive but I still want to believe that together we can make a difference.